Alienation

Him: “I’M AN ALIEN!!!”

Me: “Oh! May I have the great honor of being the first to welcome you to this planet we call Earth, and to the country of the United States of America, and to the City of Los Angeles, which is where you have landed. We are a backwards but well-meaning people. I greet you in the spirit of peace and hope that you will reciprocate…”

Him: “GRITS!!! I SAW YOUR BALLS!!! THAT STRIPPER’S FOLLOWING ME!!!”

(Beat. I walk away, grumbling…)

Me: “Dammit. They’re never actually an alien. Why did I even memorize that speech…”